You all are so lovely! I just wanted to thank you for this blog. :)
Thank You!
I have a bad habit of forming insecure/guilty feelings when my Sir is feeling any level of what can only be called, Domdrop. I know that is the complete opposite of what is helpful. So, how can I make sure I stay confident and available? If I can't, is it worse for me to remove myself? I don't want to leave Him alone but if I am being unhelpful I feel worse staying. It's a horrible thought process and I know figuring out what kind of aftercare works for US is the best solution. It's the transiti
It can definitely be difficult when our Dominant is in any type of funky mood or headspace, be it a bad day at work/rough week or something like Dom drop.
It is important to remember that they need our love and care, too. However, something to remember is that we need to give them that love and care in the way they need it - not the way we want to give it. It reminds me of the 5 Love Languages test. You may give/receive love in a completely different way than he does. What you would need for yourself in that situation is probably not going to align with what he needs himself.
Communication is key here. I'd say it's time for an honest discussion. Tell him that you want to give that support to him, but need to know what ways he needs to receive it in. It's very possible that he may be comforted solely by knowing you care and are available to him. As much as it may drive you crazy to not have something tangible to do, it isn't about you. It's about giving him what he needs, just as he would give you what you need if you were experiencing sub-drop or a bad day, etc.
Closing him out isn't going to help. It's a matter of finding out what he needs, giving it, and respecting his wishes in it.
As for staying confident - keep this in mind. If you are doing as he has asked? If you are showing that love and support in the manner that he has stated that he needs? Guess what? You're doing exactly what you should be. You're being his good girl. You're doing as you were told, and he is appreciative of that good behavior. Take pride in giving him the support that he needs, in the way he needs it, when he needs it.
With my Daddy, our types of aftercare or even support on our bad days are completely different. I get very needy, and require a lot of affection and chocolate. My Daddy? Needs to know I am there, but in a peaceful, quiet way.
I struggle with it still. I get so caught up in what I want and the ways I think affection should be shown, that I forget to focus on what he needs and how he receives affection. So then I stop, think, and listen. If he needs some time to just read a book without me chattering away or being all over him? That's what I will give him. In doing that, I am His good girl and take pride in doing what he asks of me.
I hope that helps!
♥ Harlot
submissivefeminist: Aftercare awareness post.
Aftercare awareness post.
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On BDSM...
Don't believe the hype. There is no set path.
It can be exactly what you find works best for you.
ALWAYS remember this. Tailor your dynamic to you and your partner.
It's the same one from before, we are in a sometimes D/s relationship. We haven't played I'm a while. B
Hello anon B,
As you are in a 'sometimes D/s relationship' with him but haven't played in a while, I hope I can assume that the base dynamics is still there between the two of you. That being said, have you discussed utilizing that part of your relationship to help you through this? A good Dom's "job" is to help you through things, support you & gently guide you to a better and brighter side of yourself. Also, a good friend's job too. But in this case, maybe the intensity and depth of what you two share in D/s together can help you better deal with it. The fact that he instinctively dug his nails into you to provide that needed pain and connection, speaks volumes. He brought you back to the surface and I think that is a huge factor that deserves to not be ignored.
We all go through terribly tough times in life. How we deal with those times is what helps make us who we are. We are always becoming more with each passing day. Do not be afraid to reach out to those closest to you; as you did us here at sub-mentors. As I said before, I am so sorry for your loss. It is us that is left here to suffer losing them. Please know I have faith that she is in a better place. And please, keep me updated with how things turn out for you and your progress to happier & healthier days.
Much love,
Holly <3
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Tilting at windmills: Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Dominants
Tilting at windmills: Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Dominants:by Norische
Within this lifestyle there are unfortunately many dangers, there are people out there using the BDSM lifestyle as a way to abuse or use individuals under an umbrella of acceptance. Within each situation there are warning signs that we see, unfortunately…
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I'm the anon that asked about flogging. First, thanks for answering my question so quickly! Second, regarding flogging "types". What is type used for gentle? And what does it feel like? Also, for painful? Do you and your Dom discuss what you're going to do before hand? Love this blog! <3
You're very welcome. =)
Floggers can be made out of various materials, and have different sized strands. Both of those characteristics can affect the sensations involved, as well as the intent, who is swinging it, and the pain tolerance involved.
A dear friend of mine is a Sadist. He has floggers made out of all sorts of crazy things. Tire tread, a plastic form of barbed wire, and lots of people make their own. Some of the softer materials can be well worn leather, or things like kangaroo hide or deerskin.
It's hard to explain how the gentle ones feel. It depends on how they're being used, really. Also, the location on the body that they're being used. I really like being flogged on my back for some reason, and sometimes the more gentle ones can just feel like a firm caress. The more painful ones can either be a sharp stingy sensation, or just a really jarring thud. The tire tread floggers can almost be a searing pain, at least in my experience.
It should be mentioned that there are areas of the body that are not safe for flogging whatsoever, and there are areas where lots of caution should be used. They, like whips, should really not be used anywhere near the face. It is far too easy to misjudge a swing and permanently blind someone. Detached retina is not on my bucket list, thank you very much. It's also very dangerous to use a flog, especially the heavier thuddy ones, anywhere near the tailbone (it can break) or over the kidneys. Bad, bad idea.
My Daddy and I typically discuss things before hand, but we've spent a lot of time discussing our limits and he's spent a lot of time learning my tolerances and whatnot. Sometimes it's more spontaneous, or if we've discussed a consensual non-consent type of scene, I really don't know what's coming. My hard limits are always respected.
I've also played with that Sadist friend of mine, and we always thoroughly discuss everything beforehand. It's a very good idea to not only make it clear what you don't want but to really focus on what is okay. If you say, "anything except peeing on me" then he could come in with a case of pudding and an enema bag. o.O If you clearly discuss what will happen, then the plan shouldn't veer from that. This is especially important in playing with any new partners. If someone doesn't seem to be willing to respect your hard limits, I wouldn't recommend going forward with any scenes or any play whatsoever.
So glad you like the blog. =)
♥ Harlot
What is flogging like?
It depends on the style of flogging and the type of flogger, really. Some can leave a very warm, thuddy sensation. It can definitely put you into a trance-like euphoria (sub space). Especially if it's very rhythmic.
Some are built to be more stingy, and can be more painful. Some are very soft and gentle, and are often used as a way to "cool down" after a scene. Instead of going from 0 to 60 and then back to 0… it's more of a slow climb to the peak, and then a slow climb back down from the top. It can be very soothing.
I've played in various ways with floggers, they can even be used for different manners of sensation play (lightly run the tips along someone's skin for instance).
Like most other forms of play, it widely varies. It depends on what the intent is. Soothing or jarring, gentle or painful, etc.
I personally love it, in all its forms.
♥ Harlot
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your blog is clearly for sub's while I realize that sub's need to be able to have someone (other than their Dom/me) to ask things of is there a Dom Mentors blog for Doms? I'm sure there are many Dom's that would benefit from something like this as much as I and other subs have from your own blog ;)
I've yet to come across any mentor type blogs for Dom's, but it would be a good idea. I've noticed a lot of them don't talk with each other, based on conversations I've had - especially with newer ones. I've given out information for Dom's that I trust implicitly, and they usually turn it down. If a Dom was willing to step up to the plate and create a place where they could (and would) talk together, it'd be awesome.
Given that I am a sub, I really have no experience or business running a group for Dom's.
Listening to advice you'd given other people, I decided to check out Fetlife to possibly make some real-life friends. One person suggested taking a class, but there's nothing really going on in my area for the next few months (that applies to me). Someone else on a thread suggested getting in touch with an organizer of a munch and asking if s/he would introduce me to a few people and look out for me if I went to a munch alone, but my local munch doesn't have anyone listed as a contact person.
If you haven't found your local groups and events pages, type in your city name in the search bar on Fet. It will bring up a Group section & an Events section. Poke around, find one that sounds appealing and join the intro threads or contact the group leaders listed. The group leaders are listed on the right hand side once you've clicked on a group or event. For groups, it shows a "group leaders" section. For events, it shows a "created by" section.
Hope that helps.
-Harlot
I'm the girl whose mom died least year and I got upset... It did snap me out of it, but it hurt that he had to do that. We both felt bad after. I still felt awful after but not in the same way.
Well, I am glad it "snapped you out of it". I am sure the fact he had to do it hurt but it was better than the alternative yes? Are the two of you in a D/s relationship? I am asking for a specific reason that I will address once I get your answer.
<3 Holly
Dominant Life: Stuff no one tells you about submission, until the spreader bar is on and you are trapped.
Dominant Life: Stuff no one tells you about submission, until the spreader bar is on and you are trapped.:The following is shared by permission of the FetLife author Karuna16
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Heh heh, they won't tell you this stuff in the glory-be-to-submission fetlife threads and your Dom won't either. Not through an evil plot to deceive, just because your Dom is too busy figuring out the stuff no one told them about domination.
I am in a hetro 24/7 d/s dynamic, we don't live together and we're not publicly out to people know, for context
1. 24/7 is all the damn time.
Which is exciting and comforting and intimate, yay. But I went to the ballet last week, my mother hustled me out of the door before I could pick up my phone. The curtain went down and I realized that for the first time in two months, not only could Sir not reach me, I couldn't explain why. For four hours, I had no sub duties at all. Eerie.
Lest you think my Dom is an attention hungry tyrant, he is not, I do have space and time away. But our dynamic rules ok, no matter what is going on. Because it is how we relate, we can't pause or switch it off. Have you ever dog-sat for a neighbours pet, or had an annoying house guest who wouldn't leave? Remember how it feels for your time to no longer just be your own? It's that feeling.
You are a sub when you are tired. You are sub when you want to slip into bed without having to get up, unplug a charging phone, text your Master and say goodnight. You are a sub when you feel uncommunicative, premenstrual, anxious or angry. I have tried to isolate from my Dom, mostly because I try to keep my crazy in a small corner where he cannot see it. But the closeness of 24/7 is about being constantly ready to be there for your Sir, or to explain and arrange time away. The very nature of which can be something that requires getting used to.
2. What you think constitutes submission is probably not your Dom's idea of submission.
Hopefully you chose each other because you are compatible. But there are things I do with a flourish because I think they are a big gesture of my undying lurve that Sir doesn't get the significance of or that don't excite him. I have ideas about serving him in ways that he doesn't need serving, ways that make him feel uncomfortable, ways that are just irrelevant.
It constantly amazes me what please him in terms of what I do. There are things I don't think of at all, they are such second nature or so much a part of what I assume submission to be, that he values greatly. He puts his arms around me and thanks for something I did last week that I consider to be small. It is also worth mentioning, submission shifts with your life circumstances. How I serve Sir when his health wanes differs from when he is well. How I serve him when we are apart is not how I serve when we are together. Some days he likes to sit on the sofa, ring the servant bell and edge me, some days he wants to cuddle and be a 'normal' with me.
I see many people doing what I do when I am not careful, make my submission a model of how I would want to be submitted to, instead of sitting at their Masters feet and asking what submission should be like in their relationship.
3. Submission is a world of emotional pain.
I am insane and I have the ward notes to prove it, they don't call me mcstabby for nothing (though also not because I have a violent history, it bears mentioning). I am the queen of emotional oddness. However what I didn't realize was that submission would not be a Disney princess song.
I cry at weird times. I cry during sex. I get offended at stupid stuff. We can fight for hours, like multiple phone calls, hours long fights where I run out of words. There are moments where I feel inadequate, foolish, greedy, misinformed. It's not just worrying about my sex face (Thank you Sir for lying and telling me it is cute) it is feeling the depths of my need. Turns out I am a big bag of neuroses and submission is a game where we pull them out of the bag one by one, like a horrible sorting hat of fucked up ness.
Vanilla relationships are often built around the cult of 'I'm really fine' and not digging this stuff up, until it poisons the well and you break up. Submission forces us to look at it. And if I hate looking at my weaknesses, imagine what it is like to do it while the man I love gets stuck in looking at my weaknesses too.
4. Submission is not a superpower.
He has bad days. There is zero I can do about that. My vast array of slutty lingeries and ability to take it up the bum most anytime often doesn't make his life drastically better when he is feeling low. He tells me that I make his life better and he loves me and having me there, but there are things that happen to us both that submission will not cure. For me, my submission revolves around the premise that there is always somewhere else to go, sexually or emotionally. Sometimes, there isn't, everything sucks and nothing I can do will change that.
5. Submission will make you angry, and you won't like it when you are angry.
How submission taps into the streak of rage in me, I don't know. It's not rage at Sir, though I have felt the discomfort of that too. Sir becomes a weird symbol. He is totally different from those who have inspired my rage. But his presence and what we do hits those buttons, all the anger comes up. By deferring and humiliating myself to him, I get back in touch with all the injustice and the people who really did take from me selfishly. This is a mysterious process to me, how his kind and gentle (even when he has pinned me to floor) actions can take me to a place of past brutality and bring me home again. Because once the buttons are pushed, I feel it, I manifest it and we have to talk about it. We play it out. I cry under his hands. He witnesses the stories.
I have no choice about this rage. It will not be packed away neatly. I will feel it on days when I could really do without it.
6. It's not pretty.
It's not. Your stretch marks will be on show. Bedsheets will be changed. Maybe outfits you feel kinda silly in will be procured. I sometimes buy stockings that give me that sausage thigh thing. There probably will be cock to face slapping drooling, prepare to see your worst pornographic 'eeew' moments to become first person experience.
I got a friction burn from his carpet on my face this weekend. A big pink friction burn on my temple, the day before I met his brothers young family. Snivelling, wretched orgasms of snot are not pretty. I had to blow my nose halfway through a blowjob this week, true story. Any and all make up you lovingly apply will be smeared off. I am a natural redhead, so counting the bruises I acquire at a weekend at Sir's is a hobby, we don't do anything hardcore but I bruise like a peach.
It's impossible to be on pretty patrol when your life is not your own. He will want to play when you have crap hair, acne, have put weight on etc and faking a headache is a lot less of a option as a sub.
7. It will offend your feminist sensibilities.
However much I want to crawl to Sir and worship him (and I do because I am his slut) there is a little part of me that marvels at that. I once walked out of a male dominated workplace and said I wasn't coming back in unless the male superior apologized for making fun of me on speakerphone for being a lady tech support person. I right hooked a guy in a nightclub for not taking his hands off me when I clearly asked him to. I have read the female eunuch and I know it is ridiculous. But I have always championed women (and men) is the kind of stealthy institutionalized mysogyny we have in our culture. I believe in equal pay, equal rights, merit, respect etc.
The world tells me that to show any weakness as a woman is to be lumped in with the dolly birds and bimbos. I can love a man and be with him but any sign of submission is a sign I am sick in the head. It's a sign of some kind of emotional damage. The horrible flipside of this is that the story goes that men cannot be trusted, they are horrible opportunistic sex beasts. Mysogyny hates men as much as it hates us women.
So next time I am washing up while he orders me to keep still while he finger fucks me, I tell myself that this is liberation. Feminism and submission can be part of the same philosophy.
8. Submission can be terrifying.
It is a rare woman that can say she has never been a victim of sexual assault or co ercion. Most women I know have a story (even she doesn't name it for what I would term it as) where someone took something sexually that she wasn't cool with. Many more women live on the end of verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation which they have no name for and aren't supported in leaving. Submission is scary because it surrendering to something loaded with bad memories.
Sir loves me. He thinks I am cute and beautiful and I feel totally cherished. But humiliation is how we play. It is never nasty. But the words aren't always neutral. He has walked over a minefield of a past he doesn't know the extent of to figure out what we kink for and what makes me flashback. I have had to use safewords, process body memories, talk to him and ask for reassurance.
If hearing the man you play with tell you that you are a dirty, greedy anal hungry little bitch for his convenience is a totally neutral bit of dirty talk, I salute you. If letting someone restrain you or manipulate your breathing has never caused you one iota of concern for your wellbeing, well I envy you - and think you are nuts. When playing with pain, pain is scary.
9. There is no submission prize.
I serve him because we enjoy it. The means is the end. I don't serve him with an agenda. He doesn't love me any more or less for my submission, which is good because that means he loves me just as much when I can't do it. He loves me, not me in the role of sub. But I can't earn anything from him but finding new creative ways to debase myself. There is no scorecard.
There is a culture, particularly for us girls, that we are socialized to think that the polite way to get what we want is to give everyone else what they want. If we are sweet and good and quiet, we will be rewarded. This is anathema to healthy submission, in my opinion. I hear many Doms struggling to put this into words, but Doms know when a sub is doing something to get to something else and most I have heard talk about it, loathe this.
10. It is the single most thrilling love affair I ever had in my life.
I have loved some great men, I have had some peak experiences. I won't do those dudes an injustice by playing that down. But there is nothing on earth like what I have with Sir, it blows me out of the water how new it is for me. It is unlike any other love. I rant about like I a lovesick school girl because I have two months of experience of what we have, that is only about sixty days worth of proficiency. I'm a total n00b. It's exhilirating.
So I don't want to fuck it up. What if he leaves? How is it going to feel if it ends, how would a 24/7 d/s relationship break up feel? The vulnerability I feel in surrendering to something so unique and precious is terrifying. A man walks this earth who has a little piece of the most private me that no one else has ever seen. The power he has is incredible, now I think about it. Everyday I show up and let him rule and all along I am thinking 'please, don't leave me.' And if I tell you I have been dumped just twice in fifteen years of short term relationships, you can see how much being left scares the bejesus out of me.
So those are the things no one told me about submission. And maybe they are just my part of the submission journey. Who knows. But I felt like we need to air out our own experiences that speak to something else than lying spreadeagled on bed with killers heels on while our breasts get tortured. Because that is all very nice, but it's not what causes 3am angst.
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My mom died a year ago today (the 3erd) and I am going through some stuff. My boyfriend and I just got back from vending a con and I was getting more and more upset and angry. When he came to make sure I was okay before bed I was rambling and said something about self harming (I use to cut, he knows that) he got upset and frustrated and started crying then he grabbed my knee to comfort me. After a while of not being able to cry he dug his nails in my leg in frustration. That hurt so much more th
We are sorry to for your loss. hugs!
When your boyfriend did this, how did it make you feel? Better? Worse? Relieved? Did it help to know that he was there to help you? Did the need to self harm pass? Sending you love.
<3 Holly
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You all have been rather quiet lately. We hope everyone is doing well. Send us some updates on how...
You all have been rather quiet lately. We hope everyone is doing well. Send us some updates on how things are going.
Hugs
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